Do you know that feeling?

That feeling when you send a risky text in a group chat and nobody pays it any attention. Or when you really like that boy and you want to say something and hint towards it, but they shut it down. Or when your mom is the last one to pick you up at school, and you feel like you are the only person in the whole world. That feeling of loneliness—ya, that feeling fucking sucks.

I thought that when I grew up and got older and more secure in myself, I wouldn't dread that feeling as much. I thought I would be the effortlessly cool girl who says what she wants and wears what she wants and makes it look cool, like she wouldn't care if you hated on her. I don't know if some people grow into that, grow out of that, or never feel it at all.

I have heard from multiple sources that once you turn 30, you stop worrying about what people think about you. Or was it 40? Or 50? Or do we have to wait until we're in the ground to stop paying mind to the opinions of people we wouldn't even get a coffee with?

It's hard being 25. I have this constant sense of fear of being rejected and judged, and like I am running out of time. On the other hand, I can't help but feel like I am just hitting my stride and will soon get into the groove of being an adult. Maybe that means paying my rent on time (every time), or maybe it means making sourdough loaves (even though the crust always cuts the roof of my mouth, and I can never finish a loaf of bread in time, so I have to freeze it). Or maybe it means knowing how many veggies I can buy without having to throw away the hard work of a farmer every other week.

But maybe we will never grow up.

I ask a lot of older people the same question.

"Ok, you're 65—but how old do you feel?"

And I don't mean, "How is your back doing?" or "Are you immunocompromised?"

When I ask it, I truly mean: Will I eventually feel my age, or will I always feel like a chubby eight year old waiting for their mom to pick them up from after care?

Most people say a range of 10–20 years younger than their age. So does that mean I will finally feel like a grown up when I'm 40? Or will things click one day before then?