Mom, can you pick me up i'm scared.

I still don't know what the hell im doing. Maybe I never will.

As I get older and spend more time doing things, learning things, and being things, I have learned that I know less than I ever have. How could I know less now than I did at 16?

Yes, I'm being dramatic. My semi-new therapist told me that I am the most well adjusted patient she has. That she wishes other people were as level-headed and thoughtful as I am. What the fuck is that? I dont want to hear that. What the hell am I supposed to do with the constant anxiety and intrusive thoughts and sick-to-my-stomach feeling that plagues me?

Yes, I can see both sides of situations, and I do have a way of figuring things out. Like that meme "Born to resent the people who did me dirty, forced to understand where they came from." I resonate with that deeply.

Something I would also like to resonate with deeply is understanding. Anything.

How do people decide on what they want to study, or do, or live for? The decision fatigue is suffocating. If I go back to school Ill have to take out loans, If I dont, I may never reach my full potentail- but then what is my full potential? When do I reach that and how will I know if I did?

Is my full potential making a lot of money? because most of the people who do are miserable. Is it when I have kids? what happens when they grow up and dont need me as much? Is it when I learn everything there is to learn? Then it just gets buried with me in the grave and none of this really even matters.

There was a popular saying on TikTok a few years ago that said "the time will pass anyway" If eight years of school sounds long, it is, but the time will pass anyway. If the idea od moving abroad and spending key moments of your life there, well, the time will pass anyway. And if the time passes one way or the other, you might as well do the thing that is scary anyway.

I havent written for this blog in almost a year. I have put it off because I was embarrassed. Why couldn't I just be happy with a mundane job? Why did I have to be a "free-thinker?" Life is so much damn easier for sheep who are content with monotony. People who are stupid dont have anxiety because what are you going to overthink when you dont have much going on upstairs anyways?

So I guess I am REALLY FREAKING SMART because I toss and turn in bed at night thinking of how I would be as a teacher, a comedian, a cinematographer, a cook, a landscaper, a mother, all of the possibilities and by the end of the endless cycle I am asleep and cant remember what I was thinking about anyways.

Maybe one of these days I’ll figure it out. Something. Anything? but for now I am going to make some money, apply to some jobs, spend time with my boyfriend, make time for friends, go to the beach, cook, bake, make people laugh, be a good person, and maybe, hopefully along the road I wil find what makes me tick. But for now, I’ll be on Linkedin and in coffee shops trying to bump into the right opportunity - wish me luck ;)